More tilting at windmills

Jessica was at home when I got back from my mum’s - nice to the kids but didn’t say a lot to me. Later she told me she didn’t hear the phone last night. I asked was it all worth the damage and the upset. ‘You don’t want to know,’ she answered which I took as a yes. We then had the argument which I didn’t want to have, starting off with what happens next but then going back over the same ground. Why didn’t she think about the kids, about me, about the future? Stupid questions! Because she is besotted with the lover is answer number one, two and three. I kind of skate around this one maybe because I think she will get over it (absurd wishful thinking) but really because I fear the consequences. Then, we got onto custody and who would have the kids – straight into trench warfare as you can imagine and quite pointless. Just another slanging match.

What stuns me is her utter coldness. She simply bats things away. Didn’t you think about me and the kids? – Did you when you had affairs while married to your previous wife? What are we going to do? – What do you want to do? Don’t you care about how hurt I feel? – Did you when you did it before? Her face is like a slab, white and tense. She is giving no ground at all. I need a Plan B. Plan B at the moment is a back of an envelope plan. Points a, b and c are get fucked by someone nice, d is stop caring and hurting and then it gets a bit vague. I am away for the next two nights and then it is her granny’s funeral. I need to develop Plan B, not cry uncontrollably and for all of the wrong reasons at Granny’s send off and then come back without going on about why she hurt me, the kids and fucked up ten years of marriage on a whim. I need to stop whingeing and start living. The trouble is that, inside, I still need answers to those questions.