Wallowing in Misery

Today was an unusually shitty day. To understand it, I have to go back to last weekend. I think that unravelling the past is the only way to understand the present. Jessica and I had a full-scale row with reference to the soon-to-be lover. We ended in an impasse. She was going to go away for the weekend and I could lump it or I could stop her from going and face the consequences of eternal hatred. Eventually, perhaps foolishly, I did the decent thing. I said that I wanted us to be friends and we shook hands and had a hug. I asked her to do one thing which was to only go away for one night. You are probably wondering, dear reader, why one night of adultery is any different from two. I find that hard to explain but it seemed that it would be less of an ordeal and also Jessica and myself have not had two nights away together on our own since our son was born five years ago. So, it seemed to have some symbolic purpose as well. She agreed and we agreed that we would be friends and see how this all panned out in the future.

Last night came the bombshell. She was still going for two nights. I felt lied to and deceived. The reason of course is that James, the boyfriend and soon-to-be lover, has lied to his wife that he is going to a two-day conference. More of her later but he cannot unravel his arrangements and has persuaded Jessica that my requests are worthless. That is what made today so difficult. Eventually, I told her that she had lied (she told me last weekend that she had not met him already but she has), and that she had deceived me (about the status of the relationship), and that she had broken a promise to me. For whatever reason, I feel this last - probably worthless -element the worst. It seemed so contemptuous of me. She had a week to make other arrangements and simply didn't bother.

I think that some of you are beginning to suspect that I am simply wallowing in self-pity. Maybe I am at the moment but that is not the purpose of this account which is more purgative in purpose. I realise now that I must have neglected her and will say more about that later. Maybe, also, I missed the vital signs. But, perhaps also you can feel for me. This evening the soon-to-be lover will become the actual lover and will possess the wife who until eight weeks ago I thought I had a reasonable relationship with. With additional cruelty, I live the hours of what they are doing. It is not hard to work out the time of the greeting, the icebreaking gin and tonics and, because I have to encounter the darkest elements of all this, the first penetration.

Why do we make so much of this? Why can't we be more like animals? What is the absurd drive which makes that so hard to write? She is simply fucking a man she is friendly with yet it breaks my heart. I wish I knew why that moment of intimacy undoes ten years and two children together. But, at the moment, it has.